Archive for the ‘Humor’ category

Happy New Year?

January 5, 2015

Another year has come and gone.  Where it went?  I have not a clue.  As Ferris Bueller said:

“Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around for a while, you could miss it.”

Unfortunately I’ve been encountering more and more people who are missing it.  Not the events of life happening all around us, but the MEANING of these events, the “Big Picture” stuff.  I also have noticed that folks are jumping off the rails more and more to little things, humor they don’t get, or don’t want to admit they don’t get.  Internet memes seem more prevalent along with obvious “click-bait” and other posts designed to drive people to act/post/reply out of character.  Is this country just becoming too Politically Correct such that an “off color” joke causes a major meltdown?  Are we so reliant on the nanny state to tell us what is right and what is wrong that we’ve lost the ability to stick to our own morals/opinions/views for fear of retaliation from the masses?

I’ve been around for almost half a century now, and those of us in the same “age group”, (I don’t know what “Gen” it is, X, Y, Z, Me, You, Them, Baby Boomer, Post Boomer, whatever) must be noticing that things seemed different as recently as 20 years ago.  History seems to be repeating itself, but mostly the “bad stuff” is happening again.  So what was going on 40-50 years ago?

Well, here’s a list of 50 “items” that turn 50 this year…

Hard to imagine eh?

Also remember:

  • The US was in a war that was run via politicians, not the military on site
    (we left and the “bad guys” took over)
  • We were striving to send a man to a celestial body far from Earth
  • There were racial, gender and lifestyle conflicts
  • We had a president pushing through sweeping legislation  not just the Civil Rights Act, but the Voting Rights Act, Medicare, Medicaid, the Fair Housing Act and major measures on immigration, education, and gun control.
  • Science was preparing to take a new leaps in communications, transportation, and computation (as a nation)
  • The country was also experiencing a “counter-culture” growth motivating not only citizens but elected officials

Sound familiar?

Guess what though.  We made it out of the 60’s.  It just took a while.  Life is a marathon, not a sprint.  Once people either start realizing the consequences (again) of their actions, or lack thereof, OR the system simply self-balances.  We’ll be fine.  Just keep calm, breathe easy, don’t break laws, and treat others with the respect that you demand of them.  As for me…

“I ain’t no saint, but I’ve tried never to do anything that would hurt my family or offend God. I figure all any kid needs is hope and the feeling he or she belongs. If I could do or say anything that would give some kid that feeling, I would believe I had contributed something to the world.” – Elvis Presley

Happy New Year!


Closed for the Holidays

December 1, 2013


I’m closing this blog for a while.


During the holidays, I’ll be reporting on things “Grinchy” on my “GRINCH REPORT on Blogspot.

I’ll be back in 2014.

Dear Internet

November 26, 2013

Dear Internet,

As we progress towards the end of this year, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails, tweets, blogs, and posts over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can’t sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can’t touch any woman’s handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can’t have a drink in a bar because I fear I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with one of my kidneys gone.

I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me..

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan …

Thanks to you I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice I can’t ever pick up a dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician!

Oh, and by the way…

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

Thanks Again!

Mai Tais and Me

March 23, 2012

I’ve tried them here.
I’ve tried them there.
I’ve tried those darned things everywhere.
Not to be rude, but hard as I tries,
I just don’t like them fricking MaiTais.

On a recent trip to Hawaii, I was presented upon check-in with coupons for two free Mai Tais. Not to waste a free drink, I bravely went to the bar and ordered one. I struck up a conversation with a nice couple and as the dreaded rum and juice concoction arrived, I proclaimed my distaste for the stuff and began the task of choking it down. It was then that my new bar buddy spoke up.

“Son.” The guy said.

“The reason you don’t like Mai Tais might be that you’re drinking it wrong.”


What? Drinking it wrong? I know neither of us had that much, yet.

He continued.

“See here, first off, DON’T MIX IT! It’s a layered drink for a reason. Second, do NOT use the straw. The layers are meant to be tasted top-down, not bottom-up. This forces you to get the dark rum first, and then “chase” it with the spiked juices. Also, Save the fruit garnish for last, or skip it all together. It’s just added sugar. THAT’S how to drink a Mai Tai.”

He must have been right. His wife/daughter/niece was nodding her pretty blonde head in agreement.

I gulped down the one in front of me, had a glass of water, and ordered the second one, no fruit. I resisted the urge to stir it and removed the straw. Wow! Quite the different taste. By the half way point, the float of dark rum was gone leaving only what amounted to a tropical light run and fruit juice. Very nice.

So, I learned something new. Mai Tais taste different when sipped and not mixed.

I still don’t like them,
And that’s all right.
I’ll just have a Miller Lite.

The 12 Days of Facebook

December 14, 2011

On the 12th day of Christmas my Facebook gave to me,

12 girls I’m blocking,
11 friends just watching,
10 corny topics,
9 busted friendships,
8 friends complaining,
7 stalkers stalking,
6 party invites,

Five drama queens!

4 game requests,
3 photo tags,
2 poking friends,

And a creep who won’t stop in boxing meeee!!!

Happy Holidaze!







Get your Grinch on!


Black Friday & Cyber Monday Help

November 25, 2011

Want to participate in Black Friday or Cyber Monday but have no one to shop for?

No Problem!

My personal size chart, shipping address, color pallet, and nearest auto/boat/RV dealerships available upon request. Just comment on this entry with your email address.

Act before 12/25 and receive a free, personalized, hand written Thank You Note via delivery method of your choice!
(In Person deliveries require transportation, lodging and per diem in advance.)

Pass this on to anyone. It can be for Hanukkah, Kwanza, whatever the occasion.

I’m an equal opportunity giver.

Orgesboard, Orgesboard

August 2, 2011

Every time I go to a fair, this song from “Charlotte’s Web” sticks in my head. It’s performed by Paul Lynd who voices Templeton, the rat, in the cartoon. A classic…

A Veritable Smorgasbord

A fair is a veritable smorgasbord orgasbord orgasbord 
After the crowds have ceased 
Each night when the lights go out It can be found on the ground all around 
Oh, what a ratly feast! 

Melon rinds and bits of hotdogs 
Cookie crumbs and rotten cotton candy 
Melted ice cream, mustard drippings 
Moldy goodies everywhere 

Lots of popcorn, apple cores 
Banana peels and soggy sandwiches 
And gobs of gorgeous gook to gobble at the fair 

A fair is a veritable smorgasbord orgasbord orgasbord 
After the gates are shut 
Each night when the lights go out 
It can be found on the ground all around 
That's where a rat can glut, glut, glut, glut! 

Going to the Fair tomorrow. Planning on enjoying myself.

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