Archive for the ‘SFW’ category

Dear Internet

November 26, 2013

Dear Internet,

As we progress towards the end of this year, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails, tweets, blogs, and posts over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can’t sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can’t touch any woman’s handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can’t have a drink in a bar because I fear I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with one of my kidneys gone.

I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me..

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan …

Thanks to you I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice I can’t ever pick up a dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician!

Oh, and by the way…

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

Thanks Again!


Would You Like to Super-Size for $5 More?

August 29, 2013

In case you’ve been asleep, don’t have access to radio, television, the internet, or can’t read. The kids that work the fast food restaurants are whining for more money. They want $15 an hour. Yep, $15 an hour to START at McDonalds, KFC, Hardees, Subway, and the like. Many are supporting them. WTF?

The whole concept is that you can’t make a living at what they pay at these places. No kidding! I don’t think entry-level burger flipper is listed as a life-long career. It never was. This idea was to start out at these places and then move up via in-house promotions, education and experience. The whole idea of the system was for high school age kids to start out there, while still living at home, to make some extra bucks for (dating myself) their own clothes, albums, phone, car, gas, whatever. Then, if they decided to go to college, they had some experience to get another job, either with the same company, or a competitor where the university was. They probably earned a bit more due to experience or got promoted within. Upon graduation, they left. Those who didn’t do the college path, if they stuck with the company would move up, get promoted, educated and compensated. This was the strategy for the company’s expansion – Grow your management team from within. Every heard of “Hamburger University”? That’s where McDonalds trains managers and franchisees. One small hitch, you must be LITERATE in the dominant language of your store’s country.

So, you fast-food folks who want to start out making top dollar, guess what? That means YOU have to do some EXTRA work and NOT get paid for it to get ahead. That’s called a WORK ETHIC boys and girls. If you want to earn more money, then here’s a few things you can do right now to deserve it. Dress appropriately in the prescribed uniform without added bling and gunk on your face and at least wash and iron the thing so it doesn’t look like you slept in the uniform. Be polite to all customers. Remember that if the company doesn’t have customers, it don’t need you! Get the frickin’ order right. It isn’t rocket science (BTW most rocket scientists started at less than $15/hour, it was called an UNPAID internship.). Pay attention to what you’re doing instead of gossiping with your pals. Learn how to make change without relying on the stupid register. Learn to speak properly and in English. Bi-lingual means you speak BOTH languages equally well.

I read a statistic that said McDonalds trains more people than the US Army. I can believe it. Those who demonstrate a good work ethic and motivation do get rewarded. I remember watching “Under Cover Bosses” where this counter clerk at a fast food place got placed in a Management Fast track and got his own store afterwards because he stood out. He had no college, in fact he had to get his GED requirement waived by the CEO. But he wanted it and was willing to work (for free) if necessary, to get it.

To those who support the strikers, imagine this. Take any and everything on the menu of your favorite store and DOUBLE the price. That Happy Meal ain’t so happy anymore is it? Do you honestly think that if the corporations are forced to raise pay they’re going to eat the cost themselves? I’m sure some stupid liberal will continue, and succeed in getting you your little raise, but if no one want’s a $12 Big Mac combo, they won’t need anyone to cook them either… Presently, having no job pays $0 and hour.  The whole welfare thing is another rant to be had…

The 12 Days of Facebook

December 14, 2011

On the 12th day of Christmas my Facebook gave to me,

12 girls I’m blocking,
11 friends just watching,
10 corny topics,
9 busted friendships,
8 friends complaining,
7 stalkers stalking,
6 party invites,

Five drama queens!

4 game requests,
3 photo tags,
2 poking friends,

And a creep who won’t stop in boxing meeee!!!

Happy Holidaze!







Get your Grinch on!


Steve and Me

October 8, 2011

A not-so brief history of my off and on encounters with Steve Jobs and his creations.

I was first introduced to this guy named Steve in 9th grade. It was in science class, a curriculum that covered the extreme basics of chemistry, biology, physics, and the like. Kind of like the Discovery Channel, in real life, and Mr. Wizard. We were doing a lesson module on computers. Our school had a grand total of 4; three Tandy (Radio Shack) TRS-80s, and this other machine called an Apple II. The instructor, an obvious technophile who really didn’t want to teach Junior High Science, used this Apple thing to teach and demonstrate BASIC programming, while the students plugged along on the TRS-80s. The teacher demonstrated how, with this new thing called a “personal computer” you could not only do math, but draw things, write documents and even program it yourself! This thing was definitely better than my Atari 2600. I wanted one.

Not only did we do lots of hands on stuff, but we also learned about various persons and companies involved in computers, both personal and mainframe, and certain people that were considered to be important to their development. Steve and his buddy Steve came up more than once in the lessons. I saved and saved, and eventually was able to purchase a PC. Unfortunately, Steve’s stuff was a bit too expensive, so I had to settle for the TRS-80, cassette drive and all.

Through high school, I ran across Steve’s stuff here and there. I remember going to the Fredrick&Nelson’s (a Division of Marshal Fields) and seeing this little beige box with a small screen, keyboard, and this little puck-like thing attached. I was mesmerized. The sales guy, not from the store, was giving a demo on what this thing could do. He pushed a key and the thing SPOKE! I mean, not like the old Speak and Spell, but in clear, plain English. Compared to my Trash-80, as I and most of my friends called it, this thing was like, from the future. Something from Star Wars or something. Cool Steve! I really really want one. But at $2500, there was no way I could afford, or talk my folks into one. Dad had seen a few of these in his office, but never used one. After all, he had a secretary to do the typing. Why would HE need a Macintosh? I can still remember going to that store, every chance I could, to look and play with Steve’s beige box hoping someday I would have one.

High School came and went, off to college and, once again I found myself in computer classes. IBM and Microsoft were THE standard for anyone who took the PC seriously. In face, now that they were affordable enough for some students to afford, professors were specifying that reports, programs, etc, had to be turned in in MS compatible format. Our dorm had a few PCs for general use and one, lonely Franklin (an Apple II clone). Frank, (as we computer nerds called it) played text and graphics games, ran spreadsheets, word processing, and a host of other things without crashing. Frank didn’t get used for “real” work though, due to the IBM/MS edict. A few of my friends had Steve’s Mac or Apple computers in their dorm rooms, where everyone hung out. I, due to finances, had an IBM XT clone in my room, where no one hung out. So college came and went as well. My association with Steve was that of a fan and follower but, due to finances and where industry was going, not an adopter.

I remember visiting the parents after being on my own. I had been working for a couple, three, years and had upgraded PCs, discovered the Internet, and was subscribing to both PC and Mac publications. My little brother dragged me into his room to show me something Dad had brought him for an early Christmas present. I almost fainted. Sitting on my baby brother’s desk was a semi-used Macintosh LC. It had just been taken out of the box and wasn’t hooked up yet. Turns out my Dad’s company had excesses them when they had converted to IBM and MS machines. My dad bought one for my bro because the price was “finally reasonable for a toy.” With little or no help from me, my brother had the thing up and running in less than a half hour. He was 12 at the time. I offered to trade him my new PC strait across. No dice. Steve had finally made it into my house, which I had moved out of 2 years ago.

I kept in touch with Steve and his goings on. Even when he wasn’t working for the company he founded, I was glad that I could support him by going to the movies his other company made. As for the new, new computer company’s stuff? No way. That stuff was even more expensive than the beige boxes. He eventually went back to his original company, I remember reading about it on an AOL newsgroup. He was doing well. Good for him.

Early 2000’s
My father called, all retired by now and asked me for my email address. My what? Dad wants MY email? Dad doesn’t have a computer, does he? Turns out he had just bought one. From Steve! My dad, had bought one of the original iMacs, you know, the ones that came in any color as long as it was Bondi Blue. Apparently, with his retirement, he had taken on some offices in the community he and mom now lived and has to use email, calendar and do some light word processing. There was a Mac computer club there and he had sat in on a couple of meetings and then went to the nearby university and bought one. Now $1300 of my inheritance seemed still a bit expensive compared to the $700 I just put down on a new Dell, but dad was happy and I didn’t have to be tech support. Turns out no one did. I was learning that more of Steve’s wonderful products were infiltrating my family. My dad and my two brothers were Mac users now. I, the Mac champion of old, when Macs weren’t cool, was the only one who didn’t own one! Forgive me Steve for I’ve been a sinnin’. I still just can’t afford your coolness. I’d drive your store in Glendale (over an hour), to look and yearn for one of your shiny new machines with the same intensity that I did when I was a small boy marveling at the little beige box that talked. I know your stuff is better, more reliable, just works, yeah, yeah, yeah. Still luv yah man!

My Dell died. I didn’t even try to fix it. I’m coming Steve! I’m bringing money this time! I was the proudest owner of a base model iBook sporting OS X Tiger. I took it home, plugged it into the wall, turned it on, and was surfing the web in less than 10 minutes. I finally realized, sadly, what I’d been missing. Steve continued to impress with new stuff every year. I was part of the magic now. I even visited the Mother Ship. Steve wasn’t in that day though.

August 2011
Steve is retiring, his illness is a factor in executing day to day duties. He looks like he needs a rest. He’s still advising and is on the board though. He’s been dealing with this thing since 2005 or so? Hope all is OK and that he’ll show up once in a while either doing something great or just at an Apple event. I sent him an email, doubt he’ll read or even receive it, but it makes ME feel a bit better.

05 October 2011
Steve died today. The day after Mr. Cook announced another great innovation to Steve’s company’s products. Off to the Apple Store, where I bought my 1st Mac to light a candle.

08 October 2011
As I sit here writing this on my iPad, while listening to another memorial podcast on my iPhone, and glancing on my Twitter feed on my MacBook, I realize that, for a kid who was somewhat of an outsider, Steve was a hero to me in an era where there weren’t many to choose from. I’m talking about folks that young kids should try to be like. I’m not talking about one name celebs, like Jay-Lo, Gaga, Chaz, Michael, Justin, Madonna, Sting, Bono or even Johnny. I’m talking about folks who made a difference that has lasted. One name folks like Gates, Woz, Kawasaki, Ellis, Turner, Dell, Ivar (Seattle restauranteur and philanthropist), and of course Steve. Truly the man, the myth, the legend.

09 October 2011
Just saw a video of the iPhone 4S running the Siri application. Hey! This little box from Steve talks too! Does it come in beige? It should… That would be a nice touch of class. Steve might have liked that.

Active Listening

October 3, 2011

Can you hear me now? Yes? Good. Now listen up!

Remember back in the days before instant messenger, Blackberry text, SMS, email and the like? How did we communicate with people quickly? We TALKED to them. Whether by phone, voicemail, or a real live sit-down meeting. People used to talk and others used to listen, I mean really listen. In our day-to-day dealing with the service industry, we, as consumers seem to be both the victims and the perpetrators of ineffective verbal communications. No one speaks clearly and concisely, and no one listens.

Can’t Afford to Pay Attention
Is time worth so much money that now, we don’t have time to listen to one another? If so then why do we waste so much more time either asking for clarification or fixing errors due to miscommunication?

Let’s take an example. Ever been to the local Subway, Chipotle, or any other of those type shop where you selection is made in front of you by one of the “technicians” while you provide directions from the other side of the sneeze guard? Ever notice that sometimes they seem to be on autopilot, just putting it together the way most people order it until you say something? Guess what? They ARE on autopilot! They’re so concerned with keeping the line moving, or their own station, or plans for later that they just go into machine mode and shut down the connections from ears to brain. Notice too, when you do get their attention and deviate from the “norm” ( spinach instead of lettuce, both hot and mild peppers, you name it) how frustrated they look? Forcing that connection to work again must hurt.

Now… Now… Now… What was that?
We are getting, more and more into a culture of instant gratification. We want it and we want it now. Next day air, 30 minutes or it’s free, 90 days same as cash, now, now, now. Technology is making things go faster and, for the most part, that’s OK. My lab test results can be looked at by several experts around the world in almost real-time. My pay goes right into my bank account on payday. Niece or nephew gets that gift card just in time for a forgotten birthday. But sometimes, isn’t taking some time to do it right the first time better?

Ever gotten a phone call asking you if you’ve received an important text or email? Remember the two to three-day mail cycle? I do, and I’m not that old. Seriously, if someone sent me a memo/letter asking a question, it was already two to three days old. If he sent it on a Monday, he MIGHT get my response Friday the same week, with a courtesy (look it up if you don’t know what it means) phone call to give the answer and “Paperwork to Follow”, provided I didn’t have to get too many management signatures on it. Sometimes the need for speed is trumped by the need for understanding. Sorry Maverick. Next time Goose talked, you DID listen. Worked out pretty good eh?

Not Having to Talk to Anyone (A Shut-in’s Dream)
With all our technology it is possible to go through almost the whole day without verbally communicating with anyone and still be productive. I tried it a few days ago.

  • Woke up. Checked and answered emails and messages, notifications, etc… Need coffee
  • Breakfast, courtesy of my online grocer.
  • Checked NextBus app and caught the bus to work. While on board, read the news and FB on my mobile device.
  • At work, it’s me and the PC all day. Lunch? Went to cafeteria, paid with scanning phone. Cool!
  • On the way home, picked up a few odds and ends, automated cashier and scanned phone again.
  • Home now, Netflix, ESPN, maybe an e-book. A little Facebook to pass the time until online pizza order arrived. One last message/mail/calendar check, then bed.

Total word count (spoken) let’s say <10, I cussed out a few folks under my breath on the way home. But you get the idea, I really didn’t have to engage in a verbal conversation with anyone. Kinda sad really. I didn’t like it. There’s something about interaction with others that adds to the quality of life. However the quality of that interaction is in no way related to the quality of the information.

A Solution
Back to my point, finally. Speaking well, and listening attentively is NOT only for those trapped on either side of the podium in some lecture hall. It is just as important for the doctor/patient, home owner/handyman, boss/employee, barista/customer and, believe it or not, parent/child interaction. The number one thing is to slow down, think before you speak and take time to process what you’ve heard before reacting or speaking back. Remember though, like any other skill, it takes practice, commitment, and…









TIME – something were supposed to have more of in this modern age…

Seasoned Citizens Texting Shortcuts

June 6, 2011
A friend of mine sent me these. While I didn’t exactly LMAO, I did find some of them TCNTS (Too Cute/Clever Not To Share).

ATD-at the doctor.
BFF -best friend fell.
BTW -bring the wheelchair.
BYOT -bring your own teeth.
FWIW -forgot where I was.
GGPBL -gotta go, pacemaker battery low.
GHA -got heartburn again.
IMHO -is my hearing aid on?
LMDO -laughing my dentures out.
OMMR -on my massage recliner. ROFLACGU -rolling on floor laughing and can’t get up.
TTYL -talk to you louder!

(Tah-Tha For Now)

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